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" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

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" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "

" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "

" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "

Science Fiction

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "

" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

" I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "