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" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "

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" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "

" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "

" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "

" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "

" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

Make A Difference

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "