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" I worked at Military Media, an advertising agency for military-base newspapers. Don't ask, I won't tell. "

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" If I was married to a man, and I had the same life situation that I have, it's the perfect recipe for a sitcom. "

" Halloween is an opportunity to be really creative. "

" Over the years, things got so bad between my mother and I, we stopped talking to each other and started communicating by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator. "

" Women are taught that if you want to be a lady, keep your opinions to yourself and be polite. "

" When I got a part in 'All American Girl,' in 1994, I remember thinking, 'Now I have a series, I'm not going to need to do standup,' but every night I'd go out afterward and get onstage somewhere. "

" When I was a kid, I'd read about celebrities who didn't want to talk to their fans after a show. I told myself, 'That's terrible, and I would never do that.' "

" Female comics cannot dress provocatively on stage. "

" I'm going to be a 'Chopped' champion. "

" Growing up in New Jersey, bat mitzvas were all about the elegant parties. "

" The fight in theatre is focus, focus, focus. "

" I have decided now that my mother should be the GPS woman, don't you think? That would be fantastic: 'Make a left in 11 miles. Get over now - I want you to be prepared. Turn right on Elm Street, I want to see if Myrna Rosenblatt is still alive. Make your second left by the Dairy Queen. Don't go in, they're anti-Semitic.' "

" I live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I live in a 950-square-foot apartment with one bathroom and two sons. "

" Women risked their lives for the right to vote. When I hear people say, 'Oh, I'm not gonna vote,' I just wanna tear their heart out. "

" Joan Rivers was my hero. "

" I'm not sure when exactly I knew I was funny, but I always knew I was different. I never had an 'edit' button and would say whatever came into my head. Most of the time, what came out of my mouth was the very thing everyone else was thinking - but too polite or afraid to verbalize. "

" Many comics stay in one city and develop their acts for that particular audience. "

" To have a job making people laugh really is the greatest thing. "

" 'The Judy Show' would be the name of my TV show if I had one, but I don't. "

" Some people use stand-up to get something else in their careers, but it's truly the art form of stand-up I love. "

" We all know showbiz isn't easy, but being a comic - especially being a female comic - can be quite punishing. "

" I try to win the love and approval of strangers, since it didn't work with my family. "

" Mother humor is such a universal theme. I wrote a show called '25 Questions for a Jewish Mother.' I had people coming up to me after the show saying, 'I'm Baptist, and my mother is just like yours.' "

" My partner and I had our first son in 1996, and the office became the baby's room. Our second son was born in 2001, and the office became the kids' room. "

" The more life experience you have, the more comedy you can write. "

" I do believe that it's something that we don't talk about, but when there are clearly defined gender roles, it is much simpler. Because you don't have to think, which people apparently don't like to do. "

" My two sons are the biggest pigs - always dirty, sweaty, burping and farting. "

" I've gotten resistance for my entire career. "

" I like being able to donate my comedy to charity. I'm not a billionaire, and I can't write checks. "

" Joan Rivers broke down barriers, advocated for free speech, and never apologized for who she was. "

" Comedy is all about having a point of view, and it's also about power. "