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" My partner and I had our first son in 1996, and the office became the baby's room. Our second son was born in 2001, and the office became the kids' room. "

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" To have a job making people laugh really is the greatest thing. "

" For me, humor is everything! "

" Comedy is the most palliative way to make a point. People are more willing to listen if they can laugh. "

" If I was married to a man, and I had the same life situation that I have, it's the perfect recipe for a sitcom. "

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" Halloween is an opportunity to be really creative. "

" I started taking all these cooking classes. I learned a lot in them, but you think you're going to retain it, and you don't. Under the pressure, it's hard to retain everything. "

" I have decided now that my mother should be the GPS woman, don't you think? That would be fantastic: 'Make a left in 11 miles. Get over now - I want you to be prepared. Turn right on Elm Street, I want to see if Myrna Rosenblatt is still alive. Make your second left by the Dairy Queen. Don't go in, they're anti-Semitic.' "

" My two sons are the biggest pigs - always dirty, sweaty, burping and farting. "

" As scary as it was being raised by one Jewish mother, I have to feel for my kids because they have two Jewish mothers. "

" There is nothing - nothing - like writing a great joke and having that joke kill onstage. "

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" I love standup, but not the grind of traveling and dealing with club owners. "

" When Joan Rivers walked through the curtain on 'The Tonight Show,' nobody in my house was allowed to utter a sound. Her gait was full of pep and purpose and her voice unmatched. "

" Over the years, things got so bad between my mother and I, we stopped talking to each other and started communicating by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator. "

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" I'm going to be a 'Chopped' champion. "