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" When I was a kid, I'd read about celebrities who didn't want to talk to their fans after a show. I told myself, 'That's terrible, and I would never do that.' "

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" I have decided now that my mother should be the GPS woman, don't you think? That would be fantastic: 'Make a left in 11 miles. Get over now - I want you to be prepared. Turn right on Elm Street, I want to see if Myrna Rosenblatt is still alive. Make your second left by the Dairy Queen. Don't go in, they're anti-Semitic.' "

" I realize as I get older that stand-up is a huge part of who I am. I think I'll do it for the rest of my life. "

" Women are taught that if you want to be a lady, keep your opinions to yourself and be polite. "

" Mother humor is such a universal theme. I wrote a show called '25 Questions for a Jewish Mother.' I had people coming up to me after the show saying, 'I'm Baptist, and my mother is just like yours.' "

" I try to win the love and approval of strangers, since it didn't work with my family. "

" The more life experience you have, the more comedy you can write. "

" Comedy is the most palliative way to make a point. People are more willing to listen if they can laugh. "

" My mother is a tall woman - as is everyone in my family. At her prime, she stood 5 feet 9 inches, which is quite unusual for a woman born in 1922. "

" I love the vulgar. I kind of have the humor of a 17-year-old boy. "

" Over the years, things got so bad between my mother and I, we stopped talking to each other and started communicating by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator. "

" I live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I live in a 950-square-foot apartment with one bathroom and two sons. "

" Halloween is an opportunity to be really creative. "

" My two sons are the biggest pigs - always dirty, sweaty, burping and farting. "

" There is no reason to be ashamed of who you are. "

" In America, I've been told so many times that I look 'too Jewish' that I stopped counting. "

" I've gotten resistance for my entire career. "

" If I was married to a man, and I had the same life situation that I have, it's the perfect recipe for a sitcom. "

" Growing up in New Jersey, bat mitzvas were all about the elegant parties. "

" I worked at Military Media, an advertising agency for military-base newspapers. Don't ask, I won't tell. "

" I do believe that it's something that we don't talk about, but when there are clearly defined gender roles, it is much simpler. Because you don't have to think, which people apparently don't like to do. "

" Joan Rivers was a role model to comics everywhere, but especially to women. She got the first laugh and the last laugh. "

" The first time I did stand-up was on a dare. "

" I would love to get married, first of all, from my children's perspective. People don't think of children when they think of gay marriage, but I do have children, and for them to see their family validated as other families are validated and protected by our government, yes. "

" My Shabbat dinner is not to be reckoned with. "

" Many comics stay in one city and develop their acts for that particular audience. "

" To have a job making people laugh really is the greatest thing. "

" Comedy is all about having a point of view, and it's also about power. "

" I started taking all these cooking classes. I learned a lot in them, but you think you're going to retain it, and you don't. Under the pressure, it's hard to retain everything. "

" For me, humor is everything! "

" People always think you have a lot of money when they see you on TV. "