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" A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. "

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" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "

" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "

" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "

" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "

" Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. "

" Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! "

" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "

" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "

" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "

" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "

" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "

" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "

" Room service? Send up a larger room. "

" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "

" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "

" Humor is reason gone mad. "

" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "

" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "

" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "

" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "

" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "

" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "

" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "

" Women should be obscene and not heard. "

" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "

" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "