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" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "
Steven Wright
Simple
Chain
Dollar
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" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "
Steven Wright
Use
Parts
Had
" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "
Steven Wright
Doing
Race
Think
" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "
Steven Wright
Down
Situation
My Life
" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "
Steven Wright
Back
I Think
Memories
" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "
Steven Wright
Write
Writing
Reading
" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "
Steven Wright
Bad
Clear
Sign
" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "
Steven Wright
Hand
Night
Will
" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "
Steven Wright
Seeing
You
Weird
" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "
Steven Wright
Trapped
Power
People
" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "
Steven Wright
Know
Reminisce
People
" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "
Steven Wright
Tired
Day
Birthday
" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "
Steven Wright
Street
Money
One Day
" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "
Steven Wright
Little
Only
Sand
" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "
Steven Wright
You
Park
Place
" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "
Steven Wright
Wheel
Man
Long
" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "
Steven Wright
Stop
Driving
Dizzy
" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "
Steven Wright
Children
Books
Purpose
" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "
Steven Wright
Like
Friend
Imagination
" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "
Steven Wright
Coffee
Almost
Time
" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "
Steven Wright
Company
Game
Wrong
" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "
Steven Wright
Life
Humor
Head
" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "
Steven Wright
Chocolate
Sacrifice
Rest
" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "
Steven Wright
Appears
Emotions
Everyone
" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "
Steven Wright
People
Live
Apartment
" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "
Steven Wright
Me
Boat
Book
" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "
Steven Wright
Jokes
Will
Predict
" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "
Steven Wright
Now
Forgotten
Think
" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
Steven Wright
Work
You
Better
" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "
Steven Wright
Me
Myself
Doing
" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "
Steven Wright
Hand
Who
Those