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" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "

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" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "

" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "

" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" So, do you live around here often? "

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "

" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "

" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "

" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" At one point he decided enough was enough. "