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" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "
Steven Wright
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" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "
Steven Wright
Kid
You
Train
" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "
Steven Wright
People
Think
Saying
" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
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Work
You
Better
" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "
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Put
You
Would
" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "
Steven Wright
Watched
Indy
Left
" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
Steven Wright
Employees
Coffee
Take
" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "
Steven Wright
Mind
Remember
Three
" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "
Steven Wright
Window
Way
Play
" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "
Steven Wright
Work
Hard Work
Success
" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "
Steven Wright
Think
Nobody
Nobody Cares
" How young can you die of old age? "
Steven Wright
Young
Old
Die
" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "
Steven Wright
Remember
Book
Great
" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "
Steven Wright
Children
Books
Purpose
" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "
Steven Wright
Fast
Way
Worry
" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "
Steven Wright
Me
People
Thinking
" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "
Steven Wright
Way
Visionary
Future
" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "
Steven Wright
Simple
Chain
Dollar
" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "
Steven Wright
Bible
Twice
Two
" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "
Steven Wright
People
Live
Apartment
" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "
Steven Wright
Sleep
You
Mistakes
" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "
Steven Wright
Good
Amazing
Experience
" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "
Steven Wright
Coffee
Almost
Time
" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "
Steven Wright
Too
Swimmer
Rest
" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "
Steven Wright
Me
Vacation
Baby
" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "
Steven Wright
Suspect
Curiosity
While
" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "
Steven Wright
Friend
My Friend
I Can
" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "
Steven Wright
Somewhere
Elephant
Pet
" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "
Steven Wright
Look
Circus
Guy
" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "
Steven Wright
Tired
Day
Birthday
" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "
Steven Wright
Time
You
Distance