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" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "

" I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "

" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "

" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "

" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "

" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "