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" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "
Steven Wright
Small
Paint
World
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" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "
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" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "
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" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "
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" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "
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" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "
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" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "
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" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "
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" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "
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" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "
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" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "
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" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "
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Seeing
You
Weird
" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "
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" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "
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Ran
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Street
" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "
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" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
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" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "
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Work
Hard Work
Success
" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
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Think
Life
Looking
" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "
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Like
Friend
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" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "
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Wave
Heat
You
" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "
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Power
People
" I'm addicted to placebos. "
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Addicted
" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "
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Time
" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "
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God
Would
" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "
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Friend
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" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "
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Much
Time
Bank
" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "
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Fun
Experience
Live
" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "
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Wonderful
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" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "
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West
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Internet
" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "
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" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "
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Someone