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" I'm addicted to placebos. "
Steven Wright
Addicted
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" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "
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" What's another word for Thesaurus? "
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" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "
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" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "
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" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "
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" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "
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" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "
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" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "
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" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "
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" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "
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" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "
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" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "
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" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "
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" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "
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" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "
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" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "
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" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "
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Mind
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" What a nice night for an evening. "
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Evening
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" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "
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Hand
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" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "
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" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "
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" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "
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" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "
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" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
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" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "
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" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "
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" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "
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" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "
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" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "
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" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "
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