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" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

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" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "

" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "