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" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "
Steven Wright
Bridge
You
Talk
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" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "
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" So, do you live around here often? "
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" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "
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" What's another word for Thesaurus? "
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" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "
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" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "
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Canada
You
Well
" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "
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Too
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" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "
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Then
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" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
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Employees
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" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "
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Friend
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I Can
" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "
Steven Wright
Now
Gone
Dog
" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "
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People
Think
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" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "
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Wave
Heat
You
" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "
Steven Wright
Suspect
Curiosity
While
" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "
Steven Wright
Just
Life
Me
" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "
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Back
I Think
Memories
" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "
Steven Wright
Appears
Emotions
Everyone
" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "
Steven Wright
Make A Difference
Always
Difference
" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "
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Tired
Day
Birthday
" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "
Steven Wright
Mind
You
Love
" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "
Steven Wright
Fun
Experience
Live
" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "
Steven Wright
Children
Be Nice
Nice
" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "
Steven Wright
Much
Time
Bank
" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "
Steven Wright
Bad
Clear
Sign
" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "
Steven Wright
Everyday
Talking
Jokes
" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "
Steven Wright
Door
You
Yes
" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "
Steven Wright
Live
Far
Forever
" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "
Steven Wright
Shore
Standing
Fishing
" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "
Steven Wright
Company
Game
Wrong
" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "
Steven Wright
Know
Audience
Everything