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" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
Steven Wright
Employees
Coffee
Take
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" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "
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" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "
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" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
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" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "
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" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "
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" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "
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" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "
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" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "
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" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "
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" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "
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" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "
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" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "
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" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "
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" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "
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" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "
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" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "
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" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "
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" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "
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" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "
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" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "
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" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "
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" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "
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" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "
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" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "
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