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" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

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" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "

" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "

" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "