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" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

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" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "

" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" How young can you die of old age? "

" I invented the cordless extension cord. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "

" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "

" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "