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" I think Michael Moore is a hero. "

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" If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not? "

" I don't like people cleaning my room. "

" I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after. "

" I'm anti-cheese in a salad. "

" If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable. "

" Women love a self-confident bald man. "

" I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' "

" Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline. "

" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

" I'm still driving a Prius, yeah. "

" Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate. "

" Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over. "

" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "

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" The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore. "

" I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood. "

" OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy. "

" At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me. "

" Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate. "

" I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write. "

" I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me. "

" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

" If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away. "

" Most people think I'm immodest. "

" Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad. "

" People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue. "

" You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid. "

" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "

" I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter. "

" The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial. "