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" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "
" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "
" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "
" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "
" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "
" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "
" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "
" So, do you live around here often? "
" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "
" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "
" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "
" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "
" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "
" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "
" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "
" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "
" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "
" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "
" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "
" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "
" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "
" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "
" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "
" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "
" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "
" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "
" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "
" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "