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" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "
" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "
" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "
" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "
" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "
" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "
" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "
" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "
" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "
" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "
" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "
" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "
" What's another word for Thesaurus? "
" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "
" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "
" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "
" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "
" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "
" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "
" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "
" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "
" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "
" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "
" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "
" My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. "
" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "
" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "
" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "
" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "