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" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

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" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "

" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. "

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

" Hermits have no peer pressure. "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "