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" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

Steven Wright

Head

People

Reflection

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" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

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" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "

Steven Wright

Myself

Doing

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

Steven Wright

Boat

Book

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" Hermits have no peer pressure. "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "