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" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "

Steven Wright

Think

Life

Looking

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" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

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" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

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Arrested

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "

" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "

Steven Wright

Pet

Snakes

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "

" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

Steven Wright

Writing

Autobiography

" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

Steven Wright

Circular

Get