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" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "
Steven Wright
Other
Museums
Museum
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" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "
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Guy
Radio
Would
" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "
Steven Wright
Life
Humor
Head
" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "
Steven Wright
Home
Car
Message
" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
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Me
Time
Mother
" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "
Steven Wright
Company
Game
Wrong
" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "
Steven Wright
Face
School
Teacher
" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "
Steven Wright
Fun
Experience
Live
" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "
Steven Wright
Stuff
Box
Black
" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "
Steven Wright
Someone
Good
Hard
" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "
Steven Wright
Bad
Clear
Sign
" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "
Steven Wright
Ran
Down
Street
" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "
Steven Wright
Karaoke
Arrested
" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "
Steven Wright
Now
Gone
Dog
" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "
Steven Wright
Imagination
Thought
Feeling
" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "
Steven Wright
Anything
Buy
General
" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "
Steven Wright
Worth
Penny
Someone
" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "
Steven Wright
Me
Myself
Doing
" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "
Steven Wright
You
Had
Like
" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "
Steven Wright
Look
Circus
Guy
" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "
Steven Wright
Classroom
Friends
Laugh
" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "
Steven Wright
Window
Way
Play
" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "
Steven Wright
Write
Writing
Reading
" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
Steven Wright
Think
Life
Looking
" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "
Steven Wright
Make A Difference
Always
Difference
" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
Steven Wright
Employees
Coffee
Take
" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "
Steven Wright
Ever
Get
Press
" I invented the cordless extension cord. "
Steven Wright
Extension
Cord
Invented
" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "
Steven Wright
Map
Existential
You
" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "
Steven Wright
You
Running
Doing
" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "
Steven Wright
Act
Stage
Off