Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

Steven Wright

Childhood

Everything

Wrong

Related Quotes:

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "

" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

Steven Wright

Karaoke

Arrested

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

Steven Wright

Speed

Dark

" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

Steven Wright

Time

Mother

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "

Steven Wright

Shy

Myself

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "