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" My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. "
Steven Wright
No Sense
Young
Time
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" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
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" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "
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" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "
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" I invented the cordless extension cord. "
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" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "
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" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "
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" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "
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" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "
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" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "
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" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "
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" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "
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" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "
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" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "
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Chocolate
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" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "
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" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "
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Mind
Remember
Three
" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "
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Myself
Me
" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "
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Too
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Rest
" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "
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Like
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" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "
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Down
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Out
" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "
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Shore
Standing
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" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "
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Jokes
Will
Predict
" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "
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Speed
Turn
You
" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "
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Happy
Singing
Birthday
" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "
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Sleep
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Mistakes
" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "
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Ever
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Press
" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "
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" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "
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Suspect
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" What's another word for Thesaurus? "
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Thesaurus
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" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "
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" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "
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