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" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "

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" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "

" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" So, do you live around here often? "

" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "