Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "

Related Quotes:

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "

" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "

" So, do you live around here often? "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "

" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "

" Hermits have no peer pressure. "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "