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" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

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" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "

" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "

" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "

" How young can you die of old age? "

" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "