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" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "
Steven Wright
Guy
Radio
Would
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" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "
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" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "
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" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "
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" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "
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" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "
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" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "
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" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "
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" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "
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Twice
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" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "
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" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "
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Dead
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" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "
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" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "
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Bridge
You
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" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "
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" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "
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Live
Far
Forever
" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "
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" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "
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" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
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Me
Time
Mother
" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "
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Know
Got
Now
" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "
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Anything
Buy
General
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Laugh
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