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" Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown. "

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" Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top. "

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" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

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" People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. "

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" Diane Keaton is good for women in and of herself. She's smart and funny and real. "

" If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you. "

" No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. "

" When you're eight years old nothing is your business. "

" My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? "

" I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them? "

" There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity. "

" Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore. "

" I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track. But yes, I don't like to get Maudlin. And I have a tendency towards it. "

" I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. "

" If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. "

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" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

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" People naturally want to retweet and engage on super funny videos and memes. "

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" I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. "

" Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. "

" Every girls' night needs a funny movie and a good conversation about guys! My friends and I also love picking outfits out for each other to try on at slumber parties. It's so fun. "

" So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? "

" Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you? "

" Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? "

" I comment on my friends' things; whatever they post, I post funny posts. I don't post anything that's too sad or mad, or at least not for too long. And I'm usually just a happy person! Silly - people would describe me as silly and crazy and fun. "

" It's funny, the moment you dread the most, seeing yourself bald, is actually not such a bad moment at all. "

" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "