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" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

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" I like children - fried. "

" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "

" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. "

" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" Never give a sucker an even break. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" I never met a kid I liked. "

" When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. "

" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "

" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "

" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "