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" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

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" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

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" I never met a kid I liked. "

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" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

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" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "