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" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "

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" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "

" I drink therefore I am. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "

" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "

" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "

" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

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" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

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" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

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" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" I like children - fried. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "