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" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

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" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

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" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. "