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" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

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" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "

" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "

" Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. "

" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

" I must have a drink of breakfast. "

" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

" Never give a sucker an even break. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "

" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. "