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" I never met a kid I liked. "

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" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "

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" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

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" Never give a sucker an even break. "

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" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

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" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

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" I must have a drink of breakfast. "

" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

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" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "