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" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

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" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "

" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "

" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" I drink therefore I am. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" I like children - fried. "

" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "

" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. "