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" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "

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" I drink therefore I am. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "

" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "

" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "

" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "

" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

" I like children - fried. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" I never met a kid I liked. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "

" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "