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" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

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" Never give a sucker an even break. "

" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

" I drink therefore I am. "

" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "

" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "

" Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" I never met a kid I liked. "

" When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. "

" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "

" The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "

" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "