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" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

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" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "

" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

" I drink therefore I am. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" I must have a drink of breakfast. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "

" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "

" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "

" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "

" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "

" Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. "

" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

" Never give a sucker an even break. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "