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" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

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" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "

" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "

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" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "

" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" I never met a kid I liked. "

" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "

" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

" Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. "

" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "

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" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "

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" The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. "