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" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "

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" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

" Never give a sucker an even break. "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" I must have a drink of breakfast. "

" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. "

" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

" I like children - fried. "

" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "

" I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. "

" Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. "

" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

" Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. "

" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "

" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "

" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "