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" Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. "

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" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "

" Never give a sucker an even break. "

" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

" Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. "

" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

" Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "

" I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. "

" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "

" There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. "

" If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. "

" The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

" Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "