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" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "

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" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

" Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. "

" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "

" I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. "

" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

" Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. "

" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "

" If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. "

" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "

" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "

" On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. "

" I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" I must have a drink of breakfast. "

" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "

" I drink therefore I am. "

" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. "

" The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "