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" Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. "
W. C. Fields
Bad
Children
Animals
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" The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. "
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" Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. "
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" It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. "
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" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "
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" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "
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" I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. "
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" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "
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" I never met a kid I liked. "
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" Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. "
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" Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. "
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" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "
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" Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. "
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" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "
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" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "
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" Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. "
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" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "
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" A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. "
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" I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. "
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Stuff
" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "
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Cork
" I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. "
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" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "
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Worry
" Never give a sucker an even break. "
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" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "
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" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "
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Hate
Am
" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "
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Favorable
Both
Head
" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "
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Blonde
Beautiful
She
" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "
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Cry
Never
Over
" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "
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" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "
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I See