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" I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

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" Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. "

" It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. "

" I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. "

" Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. "

" I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. "

" You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. "

" Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. "

" Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. "

" There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. "

" Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. "

" Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. "

" I never met a kid I liked. "

" Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. "

" The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. "

" Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. "

" Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. "

" I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. "

" If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. "

" Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. "

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. "

" I drink therefore I am. "

" I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. "

" A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. "

" The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. "

" Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? "

" I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. "

" The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. "

" Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. "

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. "