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" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

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" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "