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" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

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" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" I lapsed into rude. "