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" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "
Dennis Miller
Doing
You
God
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" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "
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" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "
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" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "
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" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "
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" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "
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" What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. "
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" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "
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" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "
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" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "
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" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "
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" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "
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Edge
Wrong
Top
" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "
Dennis Miller
Credibility
Comedian
" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "
Dennis Miller
Thousand
Right
Writer
" I rant, therefore I am. "
Dennis Miller
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Funny
Therefore
" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "
Dennis Miller
Immigrants
House
White
" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "
Dennis Miller
People
Fight
Country
" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "
Dennis Miller
Job
Fun
Best
" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "
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Much
Only
Problem
" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "
Dennis Miller
Global Warming
Radical
Right
" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "
Dennis Miller
Make
Some
Sell
" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "
Dennis Miller
Cheese
DC
Washington
" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "
Dennis Miller
Born
First
First Time
" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "
Dennis Miller
Business
Fight
Moment
" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "
Dennis Miller
You
Run
Study
" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "
Dennis Miller
Kind
Think
Conservative
" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "
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More
American
Education
" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "
Dennis Miller
Clueless
Help
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" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "
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Best
America
World
" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "
Dennis Miller
I Can
Balloon
Why
" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "
Dennis Miller
God
You
Good