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" We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being. "

Dennis Miller

People

Fight

Country

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" The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. "

" Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. "

Dennis Miller

Cheese

Washington

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. "

" Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. "

Dennis Miller

Game

People

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

Dennis Miller

Funny

Therefore

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

Dennis Miller

Cats

Planet

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. "

" What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

Dennis Miller

Rude

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. "

Dennis Miller

American

Education

" Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? "

" You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "